We’ve all done it as parents, teachers and friends a child asks a question, you snap, the child feels crushed and you feel a mix of emotions guilt, frustration, sadness, a small action that cannot be taken back. You know you’ve been triggered, there’s no script for parenting, each and every child is different as is every parent, hence our interactions, reactions, past experiences and generational conditioning are all unique.
When a feeling is triggered inside, no amount of logical peaceful parenting techniques can override the feeling that you are acting on impulse, out of control, trying to shut the feeling down because it uncomfortable, distressing. Does this sound familiar?
Triggers are often a sign of unintegrated emotional experiences we had as children, we are often triggered by something that a child says or does that triggers emotions in us related to that incident, For me, I grew up with two generations living in my house dating back to the turn of the century, I was for much of my childhood expected to be ‘seen and not heard’ expect when it was appropriate and to act according to particular social norms. My outlet was to run in the fields with imaginary friends having great adventures, but they were also my emotional release the friends that I talked to and confided in.
I have spent time reconciling my feelings about past events in my childhood that were moulded by my parents and grandparents’ experiences and social and emotional journeys and moving forward reframing childhood for my children drawing on both the positives of my childhood, the new parenting techniques of the modern age and reframing the negatives as positive experiences of historical value. However, we are all human and fallible, we all have moments of strength and weakness and we will none of us attain perfection as it is a social construction of the human condition, but we can attain what is best for us, the best that we can be.
We are all triggered in our own ways whether we recognise it or not, our children take us back to our past, to the experiences that we had which still live with us. If you never had the chance to work through the root issues then, it is likely you will be triggered by your own children’s actions. Whether you feel frustrated, angry, snappy or fatigued you may not realise the cause, but these are signs that you have some internal work to do. Unless we consciously integrate the unintegrated aspects of our childhood they never leave us but reincarnate themselves catching us unawares often through our subconscious. By offering as a mirror to our subconscious children bestow opportunities, to recognise aspects of our integrated subconscious as it manifests providing the chance for us to break free from early conditioning and experiences.
How can we hope to have a respectful, compassionate relationship with our children if we cannot have one with ourselves? We can of course choose to ignore the inner child, we can deal with each awkward or negative situation as it arises, we can use parenting techniques of punishment and control and convince ourselves that we are raising well balanced little humans without dealing with your underlying issues.
Or we can recognise that our children present to us a huge opportunity to grow and heal the generational triggers of the past. We can do the real work of using parenting to develop our best selves, seeking connection and understanding. Instead of reacting to our children we need to control the impulse to react and examine what we are reacting to and WHY? This helps us get to the root of the problem where we can manifest real change.
Don’t get me wrong even as a coach its not easy, you probably have many triggers and not always simple to identify, but YOU deserve the freedom that comes with healing the emotional wounds of the past. The first step is always to identify the triggers. Simply knowing the kind of situations that provoke an intense reaction from you means that you can be prepared. I know that I that I get overly frustrated when we are in a rush and everyone isn’t ready having been directed to put on shoes etc, I knew this was a trigger point because it was expected of me and I can be prepared for that, starting the process earlier, making sure there is nothing to do at the last minute and slowing down my reactions.
One of the ways you can keep track of these instances, is a facility we use in coaching all the time, journaling it allows you to get the thoughts in your brain on to paper so that your brain knows that you have them safely written down. In this instance you could keep a journal of all the times you feel yourself having an intense or disproportionate reaction. What was the event? Was there an obvious trigger? Why did you feel this intense reaction? What did it look like feel like? Who would it have been aimed at and why?
From this point you may be able to work out where your feelings are coming from and why? How are you interpreting your child’s behaviour/feelings and why? Is there a different perspective? Do you remember feeling a similar way in the past? This is part of connecting with the child inside you to discover why they are feeling angry, frustrated or hurt. This could relate to a general feeling or a specific unresolved instance. Did you feel powerless as a child in change a situation? Do you feel shamed shamed, embarrassed? Were you afraid?
One of my triggers right now is my eldest teenage child who at times, I perceive as bossy and entitled, I can feel both anger at the entitlement and embarrassment that I would not have been permitted to express such forth right opinions but I also know that she has the right as a child to express her own opinions free from judgement but with debate in order for her to develop independence and the skills to become an effective leader.
When you are able to acknowledge your triggers and where they have come from and why, they loose power over you no longer able to hide in the shifting clouds of your subconscious making you react on impulse. This is the first step bringing them into the conscious mind, acknowledging them in order to begin addressing them. Like many others expressing emotions as a child were for specific times many of which were on my own or with the characters I concocted in my mind’s eye – I spent a lot of time pretending I was running with Enid Blyton’s Famous Five or spending my school days at Malory Towers- so emotions became tucked away, shut down and we never learnt to deal with them properly. Now is the time to change that, when we identify and acknowledge triggers if can bring a lot of emotions to the surface anger, guilt, sadness, frustration, regret, the list goes on, but instead of pushing them away now you can NAME them, FEEL them and move through them.
This combating triggers of generational parenting is our gift to our children as they need us to be present, react to them authentically and be accepting of there feelings, independence, decisions and opinions, but until we accept and acknowledge our feelings we cannot authentically accept theirs. As we become accepting of the ways our feelings propel us we cannot parent consciously as the unconscious reminders of past wounds will continue to intercede at the least provocation. Many adults having had their emotions supressed and controlled as children simply recreate these controls for their own children often initially on a subconscious level – travelling on autopilot. These experiences have left us ill equipped to deal with our children’s emotions when openly expressed making us feel uncomfortable and the easy answer is to control the discomfort.
Empathy is incredibly healing, it allows you to listen, accept feelings as they are expressed, acknowledge them and reflect upon them. You can’t turn back time to your own childhood, but you can heal now for you and your family, the road is not short, and the work is ongoing but the view from the top of the mountain you have climbed is magnificent, looking down as a new emotional landscape rolls out in front of you
These early experiences shape our emotional selves as adults and I know that I have struggled with self-belief, unworthiness and confidence issues, but it is often said about coaches that we are drawn to help from our own experiences because we want to share, to free others from the emotional and psychological bonds that bind them to excel and be there best selves. Coaching like parenting is a two-way experience,
we may believe that we have the power and knowledge after generations of experience to raise our children, but the truth is that our children also have the unknowing power to raise us as parents. Founded upon authentic listening, empathy, direction action and reflection. Neurolinguistic programming helps us to reframe and reprogram these early experiences in a supportive way helping you to set goals for the future allowing you to grow and bloom into the real you that you are meant to be.
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